Why I Went M-I-A

HELLO MY BOOKISH FRIENDS!

How I miss saying that simple sentence. It’s been nine months. Nine freaking months!

Just for heads-up, my blog post today is not about the books I am reading. This post is solely for why I went missing-in-action for nine freaking months. Lol. I am posting this just in case some of you are wondering why I wasn’t posting anything since July last year. I know this isn’t necessary and there are people who don’t even care… but I still want to share this journey because I’ve made a lot of bookish friends here. I know that I can rely to this community.

Last year, I got a job at a Japanese company in Manila. It’s a 6-7 hours bus ride from our home so I looked for a dormitory that is near to my work. Just a few weeks after our medical examination, I found out that I have endometriosis and I have a lot of cysts on my breasts (left and right). My first surgeon even suggested that I should get breast surgery as soon as possible. She wanted to remove some of those suspicious cysts in my breasts and she was just waiting for my go signal. Because according to her, it’s best to remove it “as soon as possible” since our family has a history of breast cancer. I was afraid. I never experience surgery in my life. My parents advised me to seek a “second opinion” from other doctors and I will be forever grateful for that!

Of course, I was happy because I finally got a good job after a lot of rejections. I was happy even though I was anxious about my overall health condition. But just a month of working, my long-term boyfriend for almost 12 years (ex-boyfriend now), cheated on me with his office colleague. He knew I was suffering. We were not sure if that was severe anxiety or a depression already. He knew how hard it was for me to fight my demons. He knew that I need to go and seek medical help for my mental health too. He knew that I was having suicidal thoughts. He knew I was anxious about my new-found sickness. He knew I was struggling to find the best-suited pills for my endometriosis. He knew that most of the pills I tried were giving me migraines every night. He knew that I can’t sleep because of those migraines. He knew that I wanted to slam my head on the wall just to stop those migraines. He knew that I needed him. He knew all of that and yet, he still did it to me. I was devastated. I was lost. I lost my passion for everything I used to love. Worse, I lost myself. I lost myself by trying to fix our relationship even though I already knew that he cheated me. That was so stupid of me. My self-confidence had hit rock bottom and I kept asking myself why I wasn’t enough. It really felt like I was in hell.

During those times, my only refuge are the bookstore and our office. I still bought a lot of books back then but I never have the urge to push myself to read. It felt like I was just forcing myself to do things that I wasn’t 100% passionate about.

The things I said here are just an overview of the overall situation that I went through. There is still a lot in between. Sometimes it makes me wonder, what if I write it and make it a book? Maybe I will if I am already good at writing English. 🙂

I am just happy that I am still alive today. I am happy that I didn’t take my life back then. Yes, I still have those “thoughts” sometimes… especially this time, that we are feeling suffocated in the lockdown… especially this time, that we are in the middle of a pandemic crisis and an incompetent government. But I am still happy that my family and I are still alive. I hope that you and your family are all safe from the virus too.

I am happy that I still have the chance to share this with you.